The Red & Black

Apparently, Nick and Tom have found how to search for old issues of The Red & Black. What they didn't know was that I had a few old articles in my possession...

Dumb Asses Get What They Deserve
Russ Hedden
Staff Writer

Dumbasses, Ken and Linda Whitehead, are resting comfortably in their hospital beds tonight after walking in front of an SUV driven by Nicholas Johnson of Columbus (yes, the same Columbus that produced Frank Thomas - as a matter of fact, Nick and Frank attended the same high school - actually, the more I think of it, Frank may have attended the same school as Alice Johnson - Nick's sister. Either way, Frank Thomas, Alice, and Nick are all bad-asses. Additionally, Nick's mother, Lynn Johnson, is (EDITED FOR CONTENT). But I digress...)After removing their heads from their asses, Mr. & Mrs. Whitehead were sent by ambulance (a big ambulance, I might add - the Whiteheads were big fat-asses. They should have just watched the game from their couch - a place that they are intimately familiar with evidenced by their fat couch-potato asses that Mr. Johnson was unable to avoid.)Also, a passenger in Mr. Johnson's vehicle, Scott Bowden from Marietta (holy shit, what can I say about Marietta? Eric Zeier, Cory Patterson, Travis Tritt...) had this to add, "all I know is that one minute we were singing "Straight To Hell" and the next minute these two huge asses were on the hood - I thought we had hit a horse - or maybe Packy". Bowden continued, "I know that without Nick's quick reflexes, mostly gained from hours of playing Sega Master System (circa 1986) Reggie Jackson Baseball, of which Rod Laver is a bad ass, and Great Basketball, which of course Nick is the Master, the accident would have been much worse. Also, Russ Hedden is amazing at Boulderdash". University police planned on stepping up patrols, but are unable to due to a shortage of manpower. Officer Gordon had this to say about increased patrols, "every time we increase patrols, the University vehicles parked behind O-House get smashed with all types of cans and bottles, and shit. I swear, whoever lives in or around room 317 or 319 has amazing aim and accuracy. Fortunately, we are able to remove the 8 foot long steel hand rail from the hood of one of the trucks and reattach it to the 3rd floor staircase last week." We will continue to update this story as new information becomes available.

Loft Is Not Just A Place To Sleep
Russ Hedden
Staff Writer

Building a loft can be an expensive process. The University sets guidelines for the construction so loft builders have to insure a compliant and safe sleeping area. Thankfully for Russ Hedden and Bill Clark, co-owners of We’ll Take Down Your Loft For Fifty Bucks If You Are Hot, One Hundred If You Are Not no standards have been set for loft removal. “We pretty much drink a few beers, and show up with a crowbar and a hammer”, says Bill Clark. Most loft removal businesses have gone out of business for lack of having any means of disposing of the loft materials. Clark and Hedden have remedied this problem with the acquisition of the key to the University wood room . “It definitely gives us a competitive advantage”, adds Hedden. “Without that, we would have to haul all that wood to the dumpster or who knows where – this makes our job so much easier. When the loft is down, we just open up the wood room, chunk everything in and head to our next job – or back to the room for a few more beers.”
Students build lofts for a variety of reasons – usually space. However a few OHouse residents have better ideas for the use of the space. Says Scott Bowden (yes, the same guy who was riding around with Nick Johnson listening to Drivin’ and Cryin’ when the Whiteheads jaywalked into Johnson’s vehicle) “Well, Bill can hop right out of the shower, call for the rock, do a 360 reverse, (clothing optional) tomahawk dunk into the hoop attached to our loft. Also, Russ can stand under it and listen to Hank Jr cassettes on my radio. I keep my low-rider there, so that anyone stumbling in late at night can just crash on it. And, it frees up the other room for a tv and vcr which we all know leads to getting girls into your room and into your bed – win-win” Tom Brannen adds, “yeah, lofts are nice, but without a large screen, like say a Burger King store sign, you really don’t have enough privacy. You really don’t want to sleep that close to Bill and Russ and whatever they drag in.” Bill had this to say, “why don’t you shut the hell up, Tom – you’re the one who talks in your sleep – this is my stop… whatever – go back to sleep.” So, if you are going for maximum occupancy, the loft is the only way to go. And when it’s time for removal, you know who to call.