Fist Pump Rules

Rules of Fist Bumping

1. If sports are involved, fist bumping is always acceptable.
2. If you are wearing a suit, you may only fist bump if you are drunk. Or if you have just wrapped part of your suit around your forehead.
3. You may not fist bump under any circumstances, in a hospital. Unless Rule #1 (or Rule #2) applies.
4. Do not fist bump someone else’s misfortune, even if it helps you. Just look down, furrow your brow, and nod sternly.
5. No fist bumping between the hours of 7am and 10am. And if you’re watching sports at this time, it’s probably soccer or NASCAR, and then you should really not be fist bumping. High fives will suffice for both.
6. Do not fist bump in a meeting. Even if you are drunk.
7. Do not fist bump your children. Unless you’re drunk, then it’s OK.
8. Girls can fist bump anytime they want. And yes, guys think it’s cute.
9. Do not refuse a fist bump. If you, as a bumpee, believe the bumper is violating a rule, speak to him afterwards. Refusing his bump is not going to help anything.
10. Do not fist bump yourself.


This list is NOT to be confused with the rules of fisting as it relates to Reggie Jackson Baseball:


1. Fisting is always allowed
2. Fisting is completely annoying after a few pitches in a row (or in Ed's case, the ENTIRE game
3. No complaining if you attempt to fist and hit the batter (causing 2 things to happen: 1. a buckdancing celebration on the mound, and 2. dead bodies to be transported across the field)
4. You understand that by fisting, your opponent has an equal chance of successfully "farting" out the fist for a hit
5. You understand that if you are pitching to Rod Laver that I may be baiting you by crowding the plate only to back up and jack a shot into the right field bleachers - fist neutralized.